Ophelia Blooming

Things I Have Thought

2009-11-08T21:13:00.004-05:00

~We are all connected in that we are all on different paths. I think that's extraordinary!

~Tonight I realized how full of abundance my life really is. I am surrounded by people who love me and support me, by people who bake me cupcakes and offer their home to me. I have friends to laugh with and family who help me out in times of need. I have a boyfriend who brings me presents because he loves me and thinks about me when we're apart. All of this is worth so much more than lots of money or a job. If I had those things and none of the people in my life, I feel I would be quite miserable.

~Photo from here

2009-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, Ezra.

Life Magic

2009-10-15T13:39:00.004-04:00

"Whatever you focus on will become your reality."
~Laura Bushnell

I'm reading a book by Laura Bushnell called Life Magic, and through it I'm learning a lot about manifestation and focusing my thoughts and changing my attitude. It seems to be working. Yesterday was a testament to the magic life provides if you focus your words and thoughts on positive things and things you want.

Small "coincidences" I noticed yesterday and today:

1) I was in the car listening to the radio and really wanted to hear a certain song that's not played often. I just kept saying in my mind that I wanted that song to be the next song played, and guess what? It was the next song played!

2) My boyfriend and I were having a discussion about getting things organized and how he wanted to create a space specifically for his and his roommate's motorcycle gear, so that it wouldn't be strewn across the floor. We left the apartment for a little while and when we came back his roommate had put hooks in the wall for their jackets and helmets.

3) Another radio incident. There was a second song I wanted to be played and just for extra oomph I decided it should be played on a radio station I hardly listen to. That way I knew I wasn't aware of their rotations. In fact, I wasn't even sure if the band was in their rotation. I turned to that station and guess what? THAT SONG WAS PLAYING!

4) Today, while looking for jobs online, I wished that I could work in the library. No library positions have been open since I started job hunting in May. I decided it was worth a glance today and what do you know? A library position had been posted and today was the last day to apply.

Positive vibrations? Manifestation? Coincidence? A change in attitude and outlook? It doesn't matter. It makes me smile. :)

More life magic to come...

Photo credit: Missleto

A little bit of stream of conciousness

2009-10-03T11:32:00.004-04:00

This morning I'm waking up to rain and cloudy skies, but I'm not allowing myself to harbor negative thoughts. Not about the weather, not about jobs, not about love, not about anything. Because I've come to realize that what we focus on is what manifests. If I am constantly thinking about what negative things could happen, chances are I'm going to be pretty miserable, even if things aren't that bad. It's because I'm looking for the negative. I'm anticipating all the bad that could happen and forgetting about the good. No wonder it seems like nothing ever unfolds for me. When I was younger I felt like good things just fell in my lap. Everything went my way. My dreams were so easy to reach. Probably because I never doubted myself. I never doubted that good things could actually happen to me. I just assumed they would. I had more faith and trust in myself and the world around me. I don't know when things changed. Maybe it was when I first became depressed and I used the "only anticipate bad things and you won't be disappointed when the good things don't happen" coping mechanism. That old way of thinking still sneaks up on me. Sometimes I don't even realize it until I'm crying about situations that haven't even happened! That's no way to live. So today I vow to unleash negative thinking. I choose to meditate on good things. I choose to imagine all the wonderful things that could happen. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do, but I'm tired of only perceiving misery. I don't want to disconnect or create drama or feel like a little black cloud. Even if it is cloudy today. I don't have to be.

2009-09-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving."

~ Kahlil Gibran

2009-08-26T15:44:00.003-04:00

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
~Roald Dahl

Personal Update

2009-08-26T15:02:00.003-04:00

I realize I have not written much personal stuff lately. All of those thoughts are written in my journal. I've written more since May than I did all last year! It's amazing what a shift in life will do to a person. I'm glad the thoughts have been recorded somewhere because it's been a roller coaster ride. I thought it'd be nice to capture some of what I've been up to on Ophelia Blooming. Just in case anyone is curious :)

At the end of May I moved to San Antonio to live with a family friend and look for jobs. San Angelo, my home town, is a small town with little job opportunities, so I jumped at the chance to move to a bigger city where I felt like luck might be on my side.

Wrong!

It's almost September and I still don't have a steady job. I have one temp job I work 2 or 3 times a month and just started another temp assignment yesterday. I'm thankful for these opportunities because they provide a little extra cash, but I have definitely seen my bank account dwindle. It's the scariest thing in the world. I've been on countless interviews (more than 10), but with every promising interview comes another door in the face. At one point, I even had a chance at a dream job - A&E feature writer for the Temple Daily Telegram. I went to the interview and the editor seemed impressed with my skills. She showed me around the newsroom, introduced me to everyone, and it seemed like I had the job in the bag. Just one problem. When the salary issue came up they were not willing to pay me enough to live on my own. I explained I was single and had to support myself and relocate, but it didn't matter. I drove back to San Antonio sad, but also a little relieved. Temple, TX is not the most impressive place to live.

A gazillion interviews later, I'm really starting to feel the frustration of the whole situation. Up until now I've remained relatively calm and optimistic, but last week I cried and cried and cried and felt like I had reached the point of insanity. On Friday I planned to stay in bed, but luckily, my dear friend in Austin invited me to stay the weekend with her and I had a blast. It was a breath of fresh air.

I feel better this week. I went on an interview Monday, worked my temp assignment yesterday, go on a third round interview tomorrow, and also get to work my temp assignment again the rest of the week. It gives me some sense of security, but I know that I'm not guaranteed anything. It's especially heart breaking when you go on three rounds of interviews, do everything perfectly, and still get the door shut in your face.

Aside from job hunting, I have been living my life as normal - but without the luxuries I could afford when I had a job. These include things like: salon visits, shopping sprees, eating out, ballet classes (keep fit at home with yoga and NYCB workout videos), books (learned to use the library), etc. What I've learned from this is that possessions don't own my joy. Yes, I'd L-O-V-E to get my hair done, but I can be content and happy with how it is, knowing that someday I'll be able to afford it again.

What I'm mucho thankful for: family, friends, support, love, and the simple things in life.

Ode on a Grecian Urn

2009-08-12T21:27:00.002-04:00

I am reminded of this poem as I dream of things that have not yet come to be. Is it better to keep these things as dreams? According to John Keats, yes!

Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thou express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

Transitions

2009-07-29T12:34:00.002-04:00

I read a declaration from the book Transitions - Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life by Julia Cameron each day to help ease the rough patches in my life. I especially loved today's.

All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing. Yes, I knew nothing.
~Ezra Pound

Trauma can shake our certainty. The shattered faith of trust by a friend, the betrayal by a fickle lover, the cataclysmic loss of a long-standing job, the death of a young person--these and like events may skid us into despair. This is the rocky terrain of the heart, the moonscape of broken dreams. Every life contains times of spiritual bankruptcy, seasons of drought and doubt. Faced by a world made foreign of known markers, I set my own compass toward self-care. With prudence and wisdom, I schedule sleep, food, creation and recreation. Tending myself as I would an ailing friend, I gently rehabilitate my wounded heart.

Today, I am a loving nurse to my ailing spirit. Today, I salve my difficulties with personal compassion. I act toward myself with concrete loving kindness. I set firm but loving limits on my expenditures of energy.

Wishes and Star Prayers

2009-07-19T19:00:00.004-04:00

"Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth."

"Here you go on this long long dream. Don't even try to wake up. Just let it go on until it is over. You will learn many things. Just relax and observe because there is pain and that's it mostly and you aren't going to be able to escape no matter what. Eventually it will all be over anyway. Good luck."

~ Quotes by Francesca Lia Block
~Wish photo by Beth Retro

*Star Prayer* (a lil poem by me)

Oh, stars
shouting from the sky-
your constellations become dreams
of spoons and bears and fiery lions.
Let them be secrets
you whisper only to me.
Let the moon gather my wishes
and disperse them among you,
and when you die, let your
light rest in the palm of my hand,
that I may find my way
in darkness.

It's Confirmed

2009-07-12T01:45:00.002-04:00

I'm now 100% sure.

13 ways to know you're a changeling ~ by Francesca Lia Block

1. you have never felt as if you quite belonged
2. when you love someone it is like immolation or drowning
3. you yearn for the earth, even fantasize about eating it in handfuls
4. your skin does not seem like your own
5. metal frightens you
6. light on shallow water causes you to gasp
7. as do the carcasses of sea lions prepared by taxidermists for the coldly lit cases of dark museums
8. touch is one of the only ways you know to get back to yourself
9. but with the wrong human it can take you farther away until you almost cease to exist
10. you have repeated dreams of flying even though it takes tremendous effort and feels more like running a race
11. you have abandonment issues without necessarily any obvious cause
12. you are always secretly seeking ways to hurt yourself, as if this might prove to whoever is in charge that your tasks are done
13. hopefully, when you are young you discover something called love, which is really just another name for going home

The Great Tragedy

2009-07-11T00:48:00.003-04:00

Why is writing an ordeal? When did it become a chore? Why do I turn it into something complex? When I was younger I couldn't wait to get to the page. I spent hours in school writing stories in Lisa Frank notebooks. I just sat down and wrote and the stories came to me. The process made me happy. Now it's like pulling teeth. Now I hold my head in my hands like I've just experienced a tragedy. I guess when you try too hard at anything it becomes complex. Why can't I stop trying and just DO???

Photo by Adam Lyon

Sweet Dream

2009-07-07T20:29:00.003-04:00

I had a dream about the sky. It was a perfect night sky with a full moon and flashes of orange light in the shape of clouds. The reason was unknown. And there were millions of shooting stars darting across the sky and all the constellations were drawn out and illuminated in neon greens and pinks. Wouldn't it be fascinating to see something like that?

girls + glasses = ♥

2009-06-27T19:24:00.013-04:00

I don't wear "real" glasses, but I love the plastic readers as an accessory.

Source: We heart it

2009-06-23T23:46:00.003-04:00

Writing is sexy, rock 'n roll magic,
cherry-red lipstick in the backseat.
It is fast cars, midnight downtown.

Writing is also quiet summer Sundays,
wispy white clouds and sea breezes.
Words form rainbows in the water.

Writing moves through your veins,
through your body-
sex, drugs, meditation-
whatever you want it to be,
it will be.
Writing will move you.

Rules To Live By

2009-06-16T16:16:00.003-04:00

* Eat more cake.

* Wear 5 inch heels.

* Dream. Believe. Wish on everything.

* Own at least 1 pair of wings.

* Dance - especially with your friends. Even if you don't think you can dance.

* Live in the moment. See today as a pop-up book.

* Be thankful for what has been, what is, and what is to come.

* Read lots and lots of books.

* Bloom where you are planted.

* Let yourself write. It doesn't have to be perfect.

* Think good thoughts.

* Be inspired.

* Surround yourself with things and people you love.

* Listen to bad pop music every once in awhile.

* Pray and listen.

* Get plenty of sunshine. Don't forget the sunblock.

* Go outside your comfort zone.

* Exercise.

* Have faith.

* Lend a helping hand.

* Use your talents.

* Remember that happiness comes and goes, but joy is from the heart.

* Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Feel free to contribute to the list. What are your rules to live by?

Love Letter to My Nightmare

2009-06-12T17:52:00.008-04:00

An older story...

I dreamt of falling and twisted, black clouds. I dreamt of night and standing at the edge of a pool of blue-black water. A pool of banshees. They were gray-smoke ghosts with bony faces and wet-straw hair. They surrounded you. You were in the middle of the pool, not treading water, not drowning, just standing upright and looking at me. The banshees looked at me, too. You held out your hand and said, “Come into the water. I won’t let them hurt you. I’ll save you from this.” I have loved you for so long. I could not see the banshees anymore, so I slipped into the water to be with you. And then, I dreamt of being pulled down, down into liquid darkness. I could see your face, blurry with water. You only looked at me as I raised my hand to you. You only looked at me as the banshees took me deeper. Why didn’t you save me?

These are my nightmares to you. I am not able to tell you what really lives inside my heart. I can only write how it feels to live underneath your shadows. Shadows blocking the light. Shadows that I love. I wish I could hate you and your menagerie of demons. I try to let you go, but you’re always there, beckoning me to stay, telling me your heart hurts without mine. But I believe your heart is numb. Has it ever been bruised? Has it ever bled for another? I wanted so much to be the one you bled for. I wanted to be the one who could bring tears to your eyes, but all of this only happened to me. I bled. I cried. I watched the sun color the sky pink at sunset with you. I watched the stars as they spun around us at midnight. I did so many things with you and pretended that it would last forever. “It will,” you said. “I love you.” I love you too, and the world collapsed.

I dreamt of stars -
The one named after me -
The one you gave me.
It falls and fades into the black canopy.
Everything is so fragile
And my veins bleed onto my skin.

There’s this feeling I get when I’m around you. On the surface it looks like love or lust or some kind of emotion that would lead me to wrap my arms around your neck and smile, like I owned the world. But in all honesty, within the deeper parts of my bruised heart, I hate you. I always have. You say I’m everything to you. You say I’m beautiful, but it will never be enough because your words are empty.

Look, here I am - Juliet, the girl who wants to find her Romeo. I hold onto you like you are him. Like you have come to save me and love me with everything inside your spirit. You put me on a balcony. Made me feel like I was the sun you were spinning around. You climbed my balcony and said the sweetest things and the stars sang. I had found my Romeo. But like all great tragedies, people must die. But Juliet is the only one who dies in mine because Romeo was never Romeo at all. He was only the poison that killed her.

When I was a little girl I saw a boy with wings. He was a performer at a party. He was ivory colored, his hair much darker than his skin, and his eyes were aqua blue. He wore black angel wings that glittered purple when the light hit them just right. He would dance among the others - the women dressed in silk roses, tiaras, long black eyelashes, and the boys wearing black, silk capes. Everyone danced and did magic. Some nights I would follow him outside. All the stars seemed to fall around him as he caressed the wings. He never took them off.

I believed in magic then, but I have forgotten now - how to see the magic in life. I used to see it in everything, even the ugly and tragic, but now I only see your heart devouring mine. You are the wild beast in my nightmares. You are the darkness hiding in the light. You are the muse drinking all my tears and then spitting them back at me. You are the fingers plucking off my wings. Why can’t I let go of you? It’s as if I enjoy grasping onto pain. How do I let go of these things? Let go of the banshees. Let go of the banshees. They do not love you and you cannot change them.

If your heart could feel, let it feel this. Let it feel meaningless words and glass shattered hearts and tears that burn. Let it feel the pain of loving someone and not being able to touch them. Let it feel the frantic spirit aching, aching for a love it cannot obtain. Let it feel.

I dreamt we were running through a never ending garden of rose bushes. You ran from me. I could hear you laughing. I smiled and laughed and let my hands sweep across the roses as I ran for you. You stopped and turned towards me. You said, “Open your hands to me.” I did, and only then did I see the thorns cutting into my skin - my bleeding hands held out to you, aching and wanting your touch. My heart was open to you, too. It had been bleeding all along.

Don’t let me remember your hard skin and tattoos. Don’t let me remember your words in the middle of the night as your body rose beneath mine. Don’t let me remember because those thoughts are waves crashing on my open heart – the salty sea cutting deeper, stinging the wounds.

You always say, “I have done so much for you. How can you hate me? I’m the best you’ve ever had.” And you want to be my friend. And you won’t let me let go because you need me. You need me now, but not later. Why won’t your heart break? How can you love me and not break? Why must I chase after you and pick up the pieces of my own heart after you’ve stepped all over them?

I know you don’t love me half as much as I love you. You say, “You don’t know how I feel,” but I do because you tell me in my sleep.

I dreamt of bleeding wrists. I tried to drink the blood back into my heart, but it tasted like your skin. Not filling, not healing, but I continued to drink because it tasted like you.

I dreamt of a place made of light. I was happy there. You came to live there, too and I saw you and my innermost being blossomed, but then it began to rain and the light faded. It wouldn’t stop raining, but I kept telling myself that it would and that as long as you were there nothing would cause me pain. The light was gray, but I held onto hope because I knew happiness would return. When the rain stopped we would be happy. We would live forever in the light. The rain never stopped.

You are gone now, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve let you go. I’m so afraid of this silence and this infinite black space that surrounds me now. It breaks over my skin and stings the soft spots – the parts of me you bruised. It hurts to dream of this silence.

I closed my eyes and dreamt of the black. It wrapped around me like black wings. The wings I had seen so long ago were here again, brushing against my face, cradling the healing heart. This was not a nightmare and you were finally dead inside your artificial light, but were you really? Had I really let go of you?

For I never woke up.

*All photos via we heart it. If any belong to you, please let me know and I will give proper credit.

New Blog in Town

2009-06-09T23:12:00.003-04:00

Visit me and my blog partner Suzanne in our new asylum!

The Wednesday Chronicles

For all your dark and dreary needs...

O Percy, how I love thee

2009-06-07T01:05:00.002-04:00

Photo by: black of hearts

"A poet is a nightingale,
who sits in darkness and
sings to cheer its own
solitude with sweet sounds."

~Percy Bysshe Shelley

old notebook quotes

2009-05-31T16:03:00.004-04:00

photo by l.locke

"Who we love is beyond our control."
~FLB Wasteland

photo by TA.D

"Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness."
~Poppy Z. Brite

photo by vokaris

"Think of your pain like a bunch of red roses, a beautiful thorn necklace. Everyone has one."
~FLB Witchbaby

Road to Somewhere

2009-05-23T17:59:00.006-04:00

I'm beginning to feel like I live out of boxes.

Tomorrow I'm on the road again...

photo by bubbo-tubbo

Walking down the Mercer Street
Been a long hot summer
Rain like daggers comin' down on me
Got a feeling it's too late
But alone together
Could be we might start it up all over again

Dream dream it's not too late
Sweet road to somewhere else
Listen to the radio
Are you calling

3 o'clock I'm on my way
On the road to somewhere
Little clouds like wounds that blow away
Listening to the radio like a friend that guides me
Playing out every song we used to know

Bring it on
Come along
On the road to somewhere
Take our time
See the signs
On the road to somewhere

~Goldfrapp

water lilies on a spring day

2009-05-17T21:17:00.008-04:00

I've decided to move to San Antonio in hopes that there is more opportunity for me there. I have someone to stay with while I look for a job, but it's still going to be lonely. This is the first time I will have lived in an unfamiliar city with no friends or boyfriend to rely on. This is all me. And I'm incredibly nervous. The good thing is that my family will only be about 3 1/2 hours away, but I will still miss them.

Choices and decisions have been on my mind a lot. They are scary things. What if I make the wrong choice? What if things go horribly? What if, what if, what if....

I've found a few gems of knowledge to share with you here. Also, some photos I took today at the lily pond.

"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~J.K. Rowling

"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."
~ Deepak Chopra

"Choice by choice, moment by moment, I build the necklace of my day, stringing together the choices that form artful living."
~ Julia Cameron

"At some point your heart will tell itself what to do."
~ Achaan Chah

My quarter-life crisis

2009-05-05T22:23:00.008-04:00

You never know what's going on behind the curtain. From the audience it seems like everyone has it going on. Everyone is making more money than you, creating more, has more friends, moving up in the world, happier, and just generally making a real contribution. But honestly, we're all just fumbling around in the dark wondering how everyone else is making it.

No one talks about this quarter-life crisis thing. No one cares about the twenty something population. I feel like being a twenty something is like walking a tight rope from childhood to adulthood, and you never know when you're going to fall flat on your stomach and have the wind knocked out of you.

I'm 26, but just now beginning to realize that this is what I'm going through. Growing through. I thought it was just me being a huge failure, but apparently it's quite common. That's good to know. But when does it end? When do I feel like I've finally "made it"?

The job search is awful. I'm trying to decide whether I need to stay in my hometown and continue to look for a so-so job in which to pay bills with and save money or if I should move on to the big city and continue my search there. I could get to the city and have the same bout of bad luck, but I don't see that I have anything to lose. I like having the comfort of my friends and family though. This is what it all comes down to. Getting out of my comfort zone. Taking a bit of a risk. Either way, I will probably end up losing money.

Decisions, decisions.

small note to self

2009-04-23T21:14:00.003-04:00

Both photos via we heart it

To Do

2009-04-15T17:43:00.005-04:00

Photo by: Mike Postnov

1. Get over ex (it will be a lot easier when I get back to Texas and not have to see him all the time)
2. Get a job (preferably one that I like)
3. Keep looking for better jobs if I don't hit the jackpot the first time
4. Get a place to live
5. Get my wings (tattooed on my back)

Most importantly - BE HAPPY and find happiness in myself and not in others. No more looking for validation. Love myself.

And as you can see, "get in a relationship" is nowhere on my list of things to do. I've realized that my life is the main course. Boys are just desserts. And sometimes the main course is so fulfilling that you don't want dessert.

p.s. Thank you all for your hugs and kind words. You guys inspire me every day and remind me that there is much to live for and that this hurt won't last forever. :)