Realization

In every interview I’ve ever been in I get asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I always answer with something that pertains to the company I’m interviewing with, but if I were to be hooked up to a lie detector during that answer, the lines would be off the chart. Deep down inside I don’t want to be working for anyone but myself in five years. Even a year from now I’d love to be financially independent and using my gifts while helping people in the process. I just feel like it’s a waste of time to be sitting in an office most of the day. Think of all the things I could be doing!

Last night I was sitting outside and imagining myself as an old woman looking back at her life and thinking, I wish I would’ve started living my dreams sooner. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to enjoy life now! Not wait until I’m 65.

No matter how good my job is now, it will never satisfy me; it will never fulfill my creative dreams; it will never be what I truly want. I have a higher purpose and I refuse to lose sight of it because the world (or maybe just America) says I have to work a traditional job to “get by.”

A little bit of stream of conciousness

This morning I'm waking up to rain and cloudy skies, but I'm not allowing myself to harbor negative thoughts. Not about the weather, not about jobs, not about love, not about anything. Because I've come to realize that what we focus on is what manifests. If I am constantly thinking about what negative things could happen, chances are I'm going to be pretty miserable, even if things aren't that bad. It's because I'm looking for the negative. I'm anticipating all the bad that could happen and forgetting about the good. No wonder it seems like nothing ever unfolds for me. When I was younger I felt like good things just fell in my lap. Everything went my way. My dreams were so easy to reach. Probably because I never doubted myself. I never doubted that good things could actually happen to me. I just assumed they would. I had more faith and trust in myself and the world around me. I don't know when things changed. Maybe it was when I first became depressed and I used the "only anticipate bad things and you won't be disappointed when the good things don't happen" coping mechanism. That old way of thinking still sneaks up on me. Sometimes I don't even realize it until I'm crying about situations that haven't even happened! That's no way to live. So today I vow to unleash negative thinking. I choose to meditate on good things. I choose to imagine all the wonderful things that could happen. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do, but I'm tired of only perceiving misery. I don't want to disconnect or create drama or feel like a little black cloud. Even if it is cloudy today. I don't have to be.