November Diary

November 13, 2012

I feel like crying all the time. Everything is alive inside of me, and yet, everything on the outside is falling away like petals on a dying rose. If God is pruning, I hate the way it feels.

I wrote on Facebook that I have a purpose larger than life and that scares me. Why would I claim such a thing? My own life scares me because I think there are big things on the way. Hard things, challenges, breakdowns, breakthroughs, and changing the world. I'm scared to death.

My life isn't going to be like anything I ever imagined. I see myself as a young girl, head full of dreams, always saying, "I'm going to be a writer and I'll take care of you. I'll remember you." I want to hold her hand. And I see my teenage self, the dark clouds just beginning to form and the tears building up inside. I want to cry with her, but let her know everything's going to be okay. She is loved. So loved.

And now I cry when I hear God saying, "I love you, Cassandra, and I'm so proud of you." And I know he's at work in my life and there are all these invisible things coming together. He's weaving words that I'll have to write. I've been  needing to write these hard, vulnerable truths lately, how we're all missing the point, how we can't have everything, how we must give up everything to be something. There's nothing fancy free about the world and people are sleeping, but think they're awake.

I need to just cry and let the petals fall. I need to cry for everyone who is hurting and lost, sad and hungry.

When I look at the sky I see God. The whole universe exploding around me. It's all dying and being born constantly. 

It doesn't matter who we are in the darkness of space - God cradles us all. In the end, we're all just star stuff with souls.