Photo by Today is a good day

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

~T.S. Eliot

Christmas Magic

I'm actually going to miss Christmas once it's over. Even though I'm not able to be with my family this year, this is the first time in a long time I've actually enjoyed being in the spirit and watching the old animated Christmas shows and listening to music. It's a familiar feeling, like the time before I found out Santa wasn't real.

I was a faithful child to Santa. I never stopped believing because of all the logical reasons children stop. Never for a minute did I not believe in the magic. Santa *was* magic. That's how he got everything accomplished. I could never understand why the other children didn't believe. "Magic isn't even real!" they'd say. I never understood that. That's why my world was shattered the night I found out Santa wasn't real. Somehow it all clicked. I realized the stories weren't true and magic really didn't exist. Just like everyone had said.

My family continues to laugh at the dramatic display I put on that night. I cried like nobody's business, but it really *did* shatter everything I had ever believed in and Christmas was never the same after that. Even up until now I have had a lackluster spirit about the whole thing. But this year...this year has been good. I don't know what changed.

Maybe I just let myself believe in the magic again.

Photo by miss_blackbutterfly


There are pieces of light inside of me that I must give. "Give your light," is what I heard. Not just at Christmas, but every day, because there is a lot of light to give. So there are secret things to be done. Little stars plucked from the galaxy. If you should come upon one, keep it close!

Vacation at home

Monday~
Christmas shopping
jingle bells
gold & silver tinsel stars
mosaic candle holders
tea lights
floating stars
gingerbread cookies
Fantasia
purple skirt
A Little Princess

Tuesday~
gift wrapping
painting
envelope addressing
reading
body shimmer
glitter everywhere
pad thai



Wednesday~
lunch with boyfriend
watching faerie tales
new poetry
watercolor flowers
dreamy music
wearing pajama pants all day (except for lunch out) ;)

Thursday~
being mama bear (boyfriend had 6 teeth extracted)
naps
rainy day



Friday~
bread bowls full of soup
mailing gifts
chai tea latte
more poetry
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
flickr inspiration
writing

Saturday~
laziness
dinner and games with friends

Sunday~
more laziness
sleeping until 1 p.m.
last recharge before back to work

New/Old Soul

1. february 19th, 2. Pressed flowers, 3. Beyond the Magical Doorway, 4. polaroid, 5. Untitled, 6. stars, 7. #169, 8. Vintage covers, 9. Away, 10. little boats...., 11. Untitled, 12. (280) Note to Self:, 13. it's beginning to look a lot like christmas, 14. The nest of the Unicorn, 15. Winter White, 16. dreamy market

Photo by CinemaCowgirl

"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it."

~Toni Morrison

The Cottingley Faeries

"Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.

Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes they catch you."

From Necklace of Kisses
~Francesca Lia Block

Moon and Apple

Find more photos here

When the apple tree blooms,

the moon comes often like a blossom,

paler than any of them,

shining over the tree.

It is the ghost of the summer,

the white sister of the blossoms who returns

to drop in on us,

and radiate peace with her hands

so that you shouldn't feel too bad when the hard times come.

For the Earth itself is a blossom, she says,

on the star tree,

pale with luminous

ocean leaves.

~Rolf Jacobsen

Book Update

Dear Hilda,

I thought it might be good for me to say hello, as I have not thought of you or Ezra for quite some time. Other friends characters and stories have pushed their way through. It was inevitable, was it not? I don't feel bad about putting you in the backseat. I mean, you're still in the car, right? There are just other things that need to be taken care of before I can focus on you and Ezra. I think it's best that I take a break from Ezra anyway. I'm sure you agree, as you know how persistent he can be. And rude.

Anyhow, I still care dearly for you and will return to you again...someday. Who knows. Maybe this letter will find you in the most ambitious state and you'll climb over the car seats and ride shotgun again.

XoXo,

~Cassandra

Dresses to dream about...

Aren't these dresses dreamy? Perhaps it's the first time in my life when I want to wear a white dress instead of a black one. I especially love the soft pink one on the far left, but it's no longer available. I've been dress hunting for days, but haven't been able to find one that steals my heart. And of course now that I don't want a black dress, that's all I see. Where are you my shimmery winter white love dress? It also seems that there is no such thing as a pair of glittery white tights, unless you're 5 and in a ballet recital. I found all kinds of other glittery tights -grey, black, purple. But no white.

You see, I'm going to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra Christmas concert in three weeks and I want to have the perfect outfit. It's not often that I get to glam it up for the holidays, so I want to have something really fun and whimsical this year. Not that icky red plaid dress I wore to the Nutcracker two years ago. It's not really icky, but I don't want to wear it.

So, that is the dilemma.

Image by tiger lily and tiny teeth

"Be as a bird perched on a

frail branch that she feels

bending beneath her, still

she sings away all the same,

knowing she has wings."

~Victor Hugo

(French Writer)

And winter came

Lately, I have been enjoying my wings. The ones that never disappear. Even under all the black there is the glitter. I look like Violet and I think like Claire.

faeries, pure white, winter stars, whimsical crafts, lots of dancing, exploring

I have to fill my mind with these things. It's important to remember my wings this time of year.

Rainy and dark today. Saturday was cloudy and I woke up depressed without even knowing it was cloudy. I have seasonal affective disorder and have just kind of lived with it for many years. Texas has mostly sunny winters so it wasn't as hard to combat, but here, the clouds roll in and stay a spell. A very long spell, or what seems long to me. I think a week of gloomy weather could drive me insane. I felt that way Saturday. I knew something had to be done if I was already feeling horrible in November.

I saw an ad in the Metropulse for a place called Green Earth Emporium selling salt lamps. I had read about the lamps in the past. They are supposed to be good for a number of reasons, one being that they release negative ions, which boost energy levels, get rid of headaches, clean the air, etc. I have also read that the glow is beneficial for people with s.a.d. It may all be hocus pocus, but I'm willing to try. And if nothing else, it's quite nifty looking. Also, I can't afford light therapy lamps at this time. It might be something I need to invest in though.

The highlight of my Saturday was the French Market. A new cafe in downtown Knoxville. I was super impressed to find out that they import their macarons and petite fours from Paris every week. Of course I had a stack of macarons! Delicious and everything I had always imagined. I also had a cup of hot cinnamon spice tea, which was perfect for a cold day. Luc had a smoked salmon crepe and he was equally impressed. The French Market also serves as a French gift boutique and flower shop. A really lovely place that I will visit often.

Sunday was a different story. Not a cloud in the sky. Perfect blue. Warmer. I took the dog for a walk and let him sprint and jump through the grass. I wanted to lie in the grass and watch the sky. Swim in all the blue.

The title of this post comes from Enya's new album of the same name. I have always been an Enya fan and found this album to be exactly what I needed. It's supposed to be a Christmas album, but can be listened to at any time of year, as it has mostly a winter theme and not overly holiday-ish. I like it because it helps me to embrace winter. I listened to it on Sunday whilst making Christmas presents.

:)

Like bad pop music...

"Your skin is pale white and ice cold." Well, DUH!

If you're a Twilight fan, come closer...so I can slap you!

And then go read this because it's hilarious:
I want to beat Edward Cullen with a stick

A bit o this and that

I was going to write an enigmatic post about something I discovered about myself today, but realized it would be just that - enigmatic, and no one would understand or care. Therefore, I will save it for the pink, personal journal that sits by my bedside. And maybe if I get it worked out in my head I will share. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Filler.

Anywho, what have I been up to lately? Nothing so important as to write a blog post about. Although, I've been reading a book called Victorian London, which is pretty much all about the daily grind. The little things we shrug off as unimportant. So, I've made it a goal to talk about such things (in the pink journal) incase someone of the future is interested in knowing.

Last week I went to a conference in Atlanta, GA. It was a trip filled with firsts.
-My first time in Atlanta
-My first business trip
-My first time to stay at a Marriott hotel (in the Buckhead area of Atlanta...super hoity toity)
-My first taste of California Pizza Kitchen and Cheesecake Factory


Proof that I can look professional

A view of downtown Atlanta from my hotel window


And I must include this because it's hilarious. A picture of me looking like I'm talking to the good doc. Honestly, I don't know what I was talking about, but it's perfect, no?

When it comes out of your face...

You'll understand the title when you watch this short clip. Gary Vaynerchuk talks enthusiastically about doing what you love. I'm all for that. I believe what he says is true, for the most part, but here's the thing...

What if all I want to do is write a book? I don't want to freelance. I don't want to copy write. I don't want to work at a newspaper and write bland, formulaic articles. All I want to do is write a book. How is that going to pay my bills? How am I going to eat for the next 3 years? Yeah, I could go home and tell my boyfriend, "Hey babe, I'm going to quit my corporate job so I can stay home and work on my books. Will you pay my bills and pretty much everything else? That would go over well. So what's a girl like me to do?

For the time being, I am content with juggling the corporate ladder and my dreams. I don't hate my job, and it allows me time to do the things I love, so I can't complain. But I do long for the day when I can leave it all behind and focus on what really drives me - writing. I still won't write newspaper articles, though.

What do you think? Do all these talks about "living your dreams" get on your nerves sometimes?

What Makes a Cassandra?

When my lovely ballet instructor over at A Little Tea or Something wrote a post about her signature style, I was inspired to contemplate my own. I ended up making about 5 outfits that all clashed with each other and begged the question...which one *am* I??? And that led to...*who* am I? That is a complicated question for most, I think, as we are all made up of little bits of this and that. So, in the end I decided to put together a collage of all the things that describe me. And let me tell you, if I could get away with wearing that outfit on an everyday basis, I totally would :D


Psst...No. I never grew up.

Post Halloween

I'm here to report that there were no embarrassing moments during the duration of wearing this costume. It was much fun, in fact! I even got compliments from other crazies people. And no one else had my costume! Well, at least not where we were. Good times were had by all. How was your Halloween?











P.S. Head over to my flickr to see more Halloween pics.

Happy Friday

I have been lusting for one of these neckwarmers for quite some time now and finally bought this one from HiJinx on Etsy yesterday. It is kind of like a modern ruff, no? Or perhaps more Victorian. Either way, I'm in love! Sometimes I wish I could make my own things like this, but that would involve sewing/crocheting and I have not the patience for that sort of learning. I've never even sewn my own pointe shoe ribbons! *gasp* The last time I tried was during a class rehearsal. The ribbons on my one of my shoes popped off and I had no choice but to try my hand at sewing them back on. I did get them sewn back on, but they popped back off within ten minutes of dancing. For the rest of the season my ribbons were held together with a safety pin. Yikes. I know.

In other news...Halloween is a week away and I'm super excited about my costume. Excited and a bit nervous, as it could result in a totally embarassing situation. Womens' costumes these days are nothing short of a stripper's uniform. Mine is one of the less revealing and that's not saying much. Why, even my sister questioned me after I described my outfit. "How is that sexy?" What are we teaching these kids? But I will have to be careful of my movements and make sure everything stays in place. I'm taking extra steps to make sure of this. I'm not sharing what I'm going to dress as yet! I'll post pictures post-Halloween.

Anyone else dressing up? Let me know!

Poefusion ~ Friday 5

Fourteen

Your find yourself
behind slightly open curtains
wearing wings made of wire
and blue-green nylon

The audience waits
The burning bulbs
drip hot color on your skin

If only this stage
could swallow you

If only the epitasis
wasn't swelling in your heart

But the conclusion of dramatics
comes before the story's told

They will all stop and stare
because all the world's a snare

Um...what?

Date a Vampire

I love this quote by Neil Gaiman, on the tribulations of story ideas:

"In your head, it's wonderful, brilliant, fabulous. Then you sit down to write and it becomes a shadow."

Good to know I'm not the only one who feels like she's watching the most incredible movie inside her head, only to realize it's not that great on paper. Not in the beginning, at least.

Ophelia Tours

I've just come to learn about these 19th century Ophelia Tours, in which the women in the asylums were dressed as Ophelia in long dresses and flowers, and visitors could buy a ticket and walk through to see all the beautifully, "mad" women in their cages. I'll admit that I'm guilty of glamorizing tragedy in my writing and whatnot, but this is just too much!

There's not a lot about this on the internet, but I did come across this:

This is Dr. Hugh Diamond's photograph of a young female patient taken during the 1850's in an asylum for the insane. The image, reproduced by Elaine Showalter in "Representing Ophelia," is Plate 32 in The Face of Madness: Hugh W. Diamond and the Origin of Psychiatric Photography, ed. Sander Gilman. The image of the sexually obsessed Ophelia had so thoroughly saturated the popular imagination that the fictional character and the real madwoman had become one, as in this photograph where the young woman has been garlanded in flowers and leaves for her portrait.

"The iconography of the Romantic Ophelia" was so fixed in nineteenth-century culture that, according to Showalter, one way for a young woman to express her psychological anguish was to imitate Ophelia, and "where the women themselves did not willingly throw themselves into Ophelia-like postures, asylum superintendents, armed with the new technology of photography, imposed the costume, gesture, props, and expression of Ophelia upon them" (86). As Oscar Wilde had observed, life imitates art--at least in the incident of this young woman.

Ballet Nostalgia (In pictures!)

It's been 8 years, folks! Ahh...the memories. Shall we look at a few shining moments?


Backstage at my first recital. I was a total novice at putting on makeup, much less stage makeup. Thank God my grandmother was there to save the day! I can't remember what the name of our dance was. It was a short one, maybe 2 minutes long, but I savored every minute.

Cinderella was my first big performance. Unfortunately, I don't have any photos from that particular year, but I was cast as the evil step-mother, and it was my first year on pointe. I was scared and a little clumsy, but it was such a fun role!



Next came La Fille Mal Gardee. My main part was as the Harvest Queen. This photo was after the performance. Kirstie (middle) was the rooster and my sister (right) was a maiden. I believe that was her first year in ballet.



Getting made up for A Midsummer Night's Dream.



Me as Titania. This was my main costume for the part. I love how the sleeves look like little wings. (Psst...yes, that is my natural hair color.)



The grand wedding costume! This is my former ballet instructor's favorite tutu. I was the third dancer to wear it! It has been worn in every wedding march and I was honored to adorn it :)


The faeries practice a dance for Sleeping Beauty. I loved the look of all the colorful tutus lining the floor.



I love this photo of my sister putting on her makeup. She was the Emerald Faerie in Sleeping Beauty and her first major role.



My last and most treasured performance. Being Carabosse in Sleeping Beauty was a blast! Probably my favorite part of all time. Here I am with Lilac Faerie.



*The* most awesome wings a girl could have!

I hope there are many more years of memories to make and pictures to take. After I moved I was scared ballet wouldn't be a part of my life anymore. The demands of time, money, and living on my own (with bf and dog) for the first time was a huge change for me, and I was really afraid it would all take away from my life of 5 days a week of ballet. It's true that I don't get in as much ballet time as I'd like, but I'm still dancing and dancing with all my heart. That's all I can ask for.

LOL

You Are Stalking

You tend to be very obsessive. Once you focus your attention on something or someone, it's all you think about. You are also very secretive. People don't know much about the life that you lead. You are attracted to weak people. You may want to prey on them, but you also may just want to help them. You need attention, and you can get desperate if you aren't getting attention from the right person. You'll do about anything to get noticed.

What Felony Are You?

I have to laugh because I actually have been a stalker! The most memorable was the time my best friend and I had a crush on a juggler we saw at a small town Texas festival. Yes, a juggler. We were about 14 and he was probably in his 20s. We never actually talked to the guy at the festival. No, we went home and began the research. Somehow we found information about his juggling troupe at the library in some magazines (wow, research before massive internet usage). We found his name and where he went to college. That led us to where he might possibly live, which in turn led us to the phonebook. There were a few guys with the same name, so we called all of them! The right guy was the last guy we called...at least, we *think* it was the right guy. He seemed either drunk and/or stoned at the time, but we had a whole coversation with him. All I remember him talking about was his camping trip and how he might have been juggling, but wasn't sure if he was the right guy. ??? Yeah, pretty sure he was stoned.

ANYway, that's my awesome stalking story. Please, don't be scared :P

In which I buy *more* shoes

I feel kind of awful since I just bought a pair of shoes about a week ago, but I have been obsessively trying to track down these mary janes for a week. Every website I went to said they were out of stock. One shop I contacted said the manufacturer was sending them into extinction, so imagine my excitement when I stumbled across them just now!!! You better believe I whipped out the card. Actually, I used paypal :)

Procrastinating (not writing my novel)

(I make desktop wallpaper for "inspiration")

Ezra
I have known you

in the hush of trees
in autumn's amber light
in fields of summer sunsets

Ezra
I have known you

in the hurting sea
and in the distant city lights
remembering all the nights

when my heart was dark and blind

Poefusion - Friday 5

A secluded tree
hangs his heavy bones
above the snow

An old man with fatigue
trudging through a season
colored white and grey

But there is solace
in the monotonous
white of winter

For he knows that
his roots are still
buried in the warm core
of Earth's silent spring

And there is where
his hope lies -
entangled in the embroidery
of sleeping flowers

who will once again
be beckoned by the sun
to circle round
the skeleton tree

and thaw away
his misery

You speak of midnight stars and music
Soft, pink cardigans and delicate brooches
Beauty as pure beauty
No scissors to rip the ribbon
But there's something underneath the rug
Something you've swept away
You've discarded this beauty
Swollen, apple-red eyes
Demons in the mirror
Broken plastic wings
And cigarettes
Where is your tragedy
It is the only beauty left
When the world is a wave
Above your heart

P.S. I started working on my novel today. I didn't get too far, of course, but I'm weeding through a lot of information. Organizing it in my head. People, places, times, dates. The important thing is I made a conscious effort to sit down and write something.

And so the journey begins...

Now I've seen everything!

Gothic Christians

To provide a place of belonging for Christian Goths. We cultivate and nurture groups around the world, places where Goths can gather. And we encourage and support people from whom they can receive care.

To unite Christian Goths, we encourage those who wish to sponsor
conventions and gatherings where we can gather together to worship, pray,
celebrate, learn from and support each other.

To provide a presence in the greater Goth community. We make ourselves available and accessible to those that are seeking that in seeking they may find.

To promote, encourage and preserve Gothic Christian culture in all its varied forms. We offer opportunities for the artist and any Gothic Christian venture to share their God given talent.

I can't believe I haven't heard of this. A place where gothicism and Christianity merge? A ramble of the passionate sort...

This brings to mind something that happened at a church I went to long ago. Mother, do you remember this? There was a girl who was a member of the church who dressed quite gothic. You know, the stereotypical type with blue hair and long, black dresses, loud makeup. Some people at the church didn't agree with this and assumed that because she dressed the way she did, something was wrong. How can anyone love God and dress like that? They proceeded to "make her over" and give her a new, more christian friendly outlook on how one should dress. I know they were only doing what they thought was best and meant no harm, but there are so many people out there, Christians or not, that are seriously misguided about what really matters to God. The heart.

I didn't know that girl personally or know if there were other things going on in her life that suggested she might be headed down the wrong path, but if her only sin was dressing in funeral garb, what's up with that?

I don't think God judges us by what we're wearing, and I certainly don't think he has a bag of labels he throws out like we're all in some eternal high school. People shouldn't assume that the ones who enjoy things of the darker variety have pentagrams nailed to their walls and pools of blood they swim in whilst chanting demonic prose.

Same thing goes for all this Harry Potter hocus pocus. Remember when there was a huge uproar about the Harry Potter series being unfit for Christian children because it = witchcraft? There's a difference between having fun with your imagination and serious witchcraft. I've loved all things fantastical and faerie like for years. Does that make me pagan or wiccan?

Christianity gets a bad rap because of things like this. No one ever sees or meets the Christians who actually get it and that's frustrating. Anywho, I'm off the soapbox now.

Your two cents?

Ocean dwellers really are the strangest creatures ever created. I imagine God sitting in his drawing room, sketching out some new characters. The lines on the paper come together to reveal something fantastic. Something almost otherworldly. A little dragon for the miniature mermaids.


I had never seen nor heard of a sea dragon until last Saturday, when I practically stuck my nose to the glass of the inhabitant's dwelling. What an odd and wonderful thing! It even has tiny dragon wings.

Luc and I visited Ripley's Aquarium in Gatlinburg, TN last Saturday. Not only did I discover the sea dragon, I also got to be up close and personal with various sharks. Okay, I wasn't nose to nose with Jaws, but a saw fish swimming only a few feet above me with only a piece of glass between us is close enough for me.

I'm mesmerized by the fluidity and grace of the jellyfish. They're beautiful to watch, but I can only assume the sting isn't so sweet.

There were even kiddos housed inside the aquarium. The baby jellyfish were labeled, "Babies Without Brains."

Super duper cutie seahorses! A few of them have their tails wrapped around the tiny sticks. Go to my flickr to see up close.

Ahh yes, it was a fun learning experience, and I highly recommend finding a sea dragon of your own :)

And now, completely off topic, here is my latest collage on watercolor paper. The border on the bottom is so random. It adds that certain strangeness my soul must have. I plan on using the dress form again.

No more excuses

"I need to work on my poetry."
"What about that other story I started?"
"Maybe I need to research a bit more."

No. No. No. I'll do anything to avoid starting my novel, but this story has been on my mind for three years and I've read almost every book I could possibly read in the name of research. There's nothing left to do but write.

Many people say we make excuses and put off writing (or whatever our passion happens to be), not because we actually have more important things to do, but because we're scared. I'm not going to pretend that's not true, because it is! I *am* scared. I'm scared of the whole process and all the work and isolation it's going to involve. I'm scared nothing will even come out. All the beautiful images. The perfect movie in my head. It's not going to happen like that, but I have to remember:

~ It's okay to write crap. I will write and not edit. Just let everything flow out first, no matter how horrible, then go back and put the pieces together.
~ If When I finish this story, that doesn't mean my job is over. Prepare for years of rejection, tons of rewrites, lots of crying.
~ When I feel like giving up, don't! This story is meant to be. There's no time like the present to write my first book.

To anyone who is reading this, please hold me accountable to my words.

Like that Gwen Stefani song says, "Whatcha waiting for?"



~Update~

Just saw this quote from Ernest Hemingway. It's so appropriate for this post, and it made me laugh out loud :)

"The First Draft of Anything is Shit"

Art has no plan...

The Twins - mixed media on 8.5x11 canvas

This was absolutely, 100% not what I had planned on creating. In its humble beginning it was a muddy mess that I wasn't sure could be revived. Alas, a little paint here, a little texture there, some random images that came out of nowhere, and viola! The asylum twins emerged from their cell.

It is such a common occurrence that whatever I plan on making never happens. I walk down my path of visions only to end up somewhere completely different. It's not such a bad thing, I suppose. I meet some very interesting characters.

A new piece I call Baroque 'n Roll


Acrylic paint, crown stamp, image colored with watercolor pencils

Sunday

My Sunday has been blue skies and inspiration. No bittersweet feelings here. Tomorrow's a holiday!

I love the spirit in this movie. The passion. I love how Mr. Keating requires his students to rip out the "What is poetry?" page in their text books. I want to resurrect the Dead Poets Society. I want to see that kind of passion for literature and poetry. Oh, and for those of you who watch House, Dr. Wilson is a teenager in this!


I wanted to buy a teacup and matching saucer today. This set is actually a light blue color and there is gold detailing around the saucer.


I'm reading Winter Love, an in depth account of H.D. and Ezra Pound's love and poetic relationship.


I've been giving Benson plenty of attention and play time this weekend. I feel so bad for him during the week when I'm at work and he has to stay in the crate. He still has too much puppy in him to let him run loose while everyone is out of the house. After playing fetch and a long walk, he passed out for a couple of hours. He's awake now and running around like a mad dog!